Laugh It Up - Joke Thread (NSFW)

CivicDew

CivicDew

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Southern Ohio
Everyone needs a good laugh. Post of some of your old or new jokes you have hear on TV or around the net. This is one I heard on facebook yesterday.


After 20 years of sex in the dark, a wife finds out her Husband used a dildo on her the entire time. Feeling angry, she stormed into the living room while he was watching TV with the kids and said: "explain the dildo you bastard!", the husband calmly turned to her and said "explain the kids, b*tch?"
 
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that toothwith your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now...., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
 
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing.
My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing.
Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
 
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "F*** YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f*** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
 
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
 
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
 
An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.
He asked a trainer who was near-by, "What machine in here should I use to
impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up & down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."
 
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
 
There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"
 
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
 
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!"
 
A highway patrol officer notices a man taking off as soon as he sees him. The patrol officer gives chase for several miles before the man pulls over. The officer asks him why he went from driving the speed limit to speeding like a mad man? The man replied, "Last week my wife ran off with a highway patrolman and I thought you were him trying to bring her back".
 
A highway patrolman is following a car being driven by an elderly gentleman and his wife. Suddenly, the passenger door opens, and the woman falls out of the car! The patrolman stops, examines the woman, and finds out that she is OK - a few scrapes, but nothing serious. He tells her to wait by the road until the ambulance comes, then gets back into his car and goes after the husband, who is still driving along. A few miles later, he catches up to the husband and pulls him over. The patrolman asks him, "Don't you realize that your wife fell out of the car a few miles back???" The gentleman looks over at the passenger seat, then turns back to the officer and says, "Thank God! I thought I'd become deaf!"
 
Bob, Skeeter, and Larry are life long friends and every weekend have met up to go fishing and drinking.
Late one afternoon after a day of drinking and fishing they all part there ways like they always have.
Later that evening Skeeter and Larry are called down to the police department to help Id a body that was in a accident that matches Bobs truck.
Bobs truck went up in a fiery blaze and no Id found at the scene.
Larry was the first to to talk to the coroner and tried to Id the body. The coroner lifts the sheet and Larry replies " Well hell that persons all burnt up, I can't tell." Then Larry says "flip him over."
He tells the coroner its not Bob and walks out.
so the coroner goes out and asks Skeeter to come in and ID the body.
The coroner lifts the sheet and Skeeter replies " Damn its all burned up , I can't tell." Then Skeeter asks him to flip the body over... So they flip the body over and Skeeter says " Nope that isn't Bob!"
The coroner scratches his head and says " Well the plates on the truck and possessions inside say its Bob but we have no proof. How did you and Larry positively ID the body by looking at his back side?
Skeeter replies " Are whole life walking up to the fishing shack they always said "Hey look its Bob with those 2 assholes"
 
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Four Catholic women are having lunch. They start bragging about their sons. The first woman says, "My son is a priest. People call him 'Father'". The second woman nods, and says, "My son is a Bishop! When he enters a room, people call him, 'Your Eminence'". The third woman gives a little snort, and says, "Well, MY son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'". The fourth woman doesn't say anything, until the other three glare at her, and ask, "Well? Aren't you going to tell us about YOUR son?". She puts down her tea, and says, "OK, I'll tell you about my son. He's a male stripper. Six foot three, 250 pounds of solid muscle, ripped abs, perfect teeth, bronze skin....when he walks into a room, all the women say, 'My GOD!'"
 
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There's a Hawaiian, Filipino, and Portuguese working construction on a roof top. It's lunch time so they sit an open up there lunch. Hawaiian guy opens his lunch and finds lau lau, he says if my wife makes the same lunch tomorrow I'm going to jump off this roof and kill myself. Filipino guy opens his lunch and find pork adobo, he says if my wife makes the same lunch tomorrow I'm going to jump off and kill myself. Portuguese guy opens his lunch and finds a tuna sandwich and says if my wife makes the same lunch I too will kill myself. So the next day comes and the Hawaiian guy opens his lunch and finds Kalua pig, ooh my wife loves me. Filipino guy opens his lunch and finds pork gisantes ooh my wife loves me. Portuguese guy opens his lunch and has the same lunch as yesterday, the tuna sandwich so he gets up walks to the edge and jumps. The Hawaiian and Filipino look at each other and says..... Doesn't he make his own lunch???
 
Did you know that we almost had, for the first time in history, an American pope? It's true! The cardinal under consideration used to fly bombers during WWII. On one mission, his plane was badly damaged, and crashed on landing. He survived, but lost an arm. He spent the rest of the war as a chaplain. After the war, he did missionary work in Africa. He flew a small, private plane between remote villages. One village was near a silver mine. During his stay, there was a cave-in, and several miners were trapped. He was helping with the rescue efforts when there was *another* collapse, and he was trapped inside for several days. Due to the exposure to the silver ore, his skin developed a bluish tinge, and he lost one eye. After his rescue, he returned to the Vatican, and worked there for a few years. His name came up among the candidates when it was time to select a new pope, but the college of Cardinals decided that the church wasn't ready for a one eyed, one armed, flying purple papal leader!
 
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cupdown, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
 
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KennyGS said:
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cupdown, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
Click to expand...
Oh lord! :rotfl:
 
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