Laugh It Up - Joke Thread (NSFW)

Mrs. Smith goes out for the night, leaving Mr. Smith in charge of his 14 year old son. But, it's poker night, and the boys are just getting started when the son comes in, wanting to see what's going on. Dad sends him away, but a few minutes later, he's back, generally being a pest. Finally, one of the other players says, "Let me handle this." He takes the boy upstairs, and comes back, alone, about 10 minutes later. The men finish their game with no more interruptions. As they are packing up to leave, Mr. Smith asks his friend what he did to keep the kid quiet all night? "Oh, it was easy", he said. "I took him up to his bedroom and showed him how to jerk off."
 
I went for a walk today and happened to pass an old insane asylum surrounded by an old wooden fence. Behind the fence, I heard many patients shouting, in unison and with great fervor, "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen..." Curious as to what was going on, I approached the fence and peeked through a knothole, whereupon, a patient stuck his finger in my eye. The patients began screaming, in unison and with great fervor, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen."
 
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What is the difference between an oyster bar attendant with epilepsy and a prostitute with diarrhea?

Give up?

The oyster bar attendant shucks between fits....
 

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would
be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding
any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
 
This lady walks into a tattoo parlor and request that she wants a tattoo of elvis on the inside of her thigh really close to her private.
About 2 hours later the artsit is comlpete and the lady looks down with a face of surprise.
She says "That looks nothing like Elvis".
The artits looks at her and says
"I have done many Elvis portraits and that looks like Elvis."
The lady then proceeds to tell the artist that she is not going to pay for the Tattoo becuase it wasnt what she wanted.
The artist says "Maybe you wanted the older Elvis, the more chubbier one. How about I put the chubbier one on the other side and if you like it you will pay up."
The lady agrees and they get started on the other side. A few hours later the artist completes the tattoo and the lady looks down and says " That doesnt look like Elvis either."
She refuses to pay him and they begin to argue. The artist thinks she is just trying to get free ink and the lady is upset with the work. So they make a deal to ask the next customer that comes in to judge if either one of the tattoos looks like Elvis.
About 20 minutes go by and a drunken sailor stumbles through the door and is approched by the artist. The artist asks for his opinion.
The artist and the sailor walk over to the lady and ask her to show them her tattoos.
The Artist asks if he can identify any of them........
the sailor replies " I don't know who that is on the right, the one of the left doesn't look human, but the one in the middle is Willie Nelson"
 
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An older man was visiting his doctor to help with his ED. The doctor prescribed him Viagra and sent him home to his wife. Later in that evening after dinner the wife and husband decide to have some fun and the man takes his pill.
The man couldn't believe how well the pills worked and went on for hours.
The next morning the wife asks the husband "do you want me to fix you breakfast?"
The husband replies " No, I think these pills ruined my appetite."
So about 4 hours later the wife asks her husband "Would you like me to fix you some lunch?"
The husband replies " No I still don't have an appetite."
So later on in the evening the wife asks her husband "Would you like me ti fix you some dinner?"
The husband replies "No, I have no appetite"
So the wife says "Well get off of me, some one needs to eat!"
 
There once was a sailor from Brighton,
Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She said, "Ponce, my dear soul,
"You're in the wrong hole,
"There's plenty of room in the right one."
 
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